Losing the Battle


dsc_0576

The three of us Charles, Scott (me), and Doug who did not see the camera

For the last five months my younger brother, Charles, fought a glioblastoma. A glioblastoma is an aggressive malignant brain tumor. At age 43, he lost this battle on Friday.

I despise cancer!

I want to take the high emotional and spiritual road that says, “This was for the best. He is no longer suffering, etc.” He might not be but we – the survivors are.

Those that study grief tells us that there are five stages to the grieving process:

  1. Denial & Isolation: This isn’t happening, this can’t be real, I am dreaming, or similar thoughts run through our minds.
  2. Anger: We lash out at family, friends, co-workers, hospital or medical staff, God, or our loved one who is suffering.
  3. Bargaining: We try to regain a sense of control. The “if only” stage.  If only I had had more regular check-ups, If only we had _______________.
  4. Depression: Depression over the financial costs of the illness and funeral. We begin to wish we had only spent more time with them and less time bring busy. We think about the deceased and intensely miss them.
  5. Acceptance: We know what happened is real. We have moved passed anger and worked through our bargaining stage. We still miss them and will still feel sad all along, but we are recovering. We focus on the good things our loved one left us and we smile, maybe for the first time in a long time.

Everyone moves through these stages at different speeds, some take very little time, others may take years. You may even experience more than one of the stages simultaneously. The best we can do as we grieve is to allow ourselves to experience the grief as it overcomes us. To quote the Borg of Star Trek: The Next Generation, “Resistance is futile.” Resisting grief only acts to lengthen the time it takes you to go through the stages.

In other words, it is okay.

  • It is okay to deny the reality of the situation for a time. It took me a week or more to accept that my brother had a dangerously malignant tumor that would eventually take his life.
  • It is okay to be angry. Confession time. I am ANGRY at cancer! I am ANGRY that this world broken by sin and Satan takes life.
  • It is okay to bargain and try to control.  I have wondered if I should have seen changes in my brother’s personality that are common with glioblastomas.
  • It is okay to be sad, to cry, to be depressed. I am here too. In moments of solitude I tear up. Writing this is hard. I think of song he liked, I see a meme of Kermit the Frog and I laugh and cry. Charles did a spot on Kermit imitation. I miss him.
  • It is okay to accept the loss. I think I have generally accepted that Charles is no longer living. I know life goes on for the survivors. I don’t like it, but I know.

Let me thank you for your thoughts, gifts, prayers, and compassion. It truly means a lot to the family. As we get ready for a memorial service this Saturday, please keep us in your prayers.

Death is a part of life. Allow me to put on the “preacher hat” (I never really take it off, but you know what I mean) and encourage you to ensure that you are ready for that day. In Christ, we may lose a battle, but He has won the war.

-Scott

13 thoughts on “Losing the Battle

  1. Scott, I didn’t know Charles that well, but do know you, your father, mother and Doug, and my prayers are for your family in this time of loss. May God confort you in this time of grief.

  2. Those are beautiful words that came as a result of a deep and close relationship that you had with Charles. I am so sorry for your loss and for the loss of all who loved Charles. I hope and pray that God gives you all the comfort you need and crave. Peace to you, my friend.

  3. Scott, all of those emotions are truly okay. Even as a christian, we feel anger. Like you said, anger at what took that loved one from us. I have even stood up and stomped my foot. I choose to do my deepest grieving in total isolation. I can yell and scream and God understands me and loves me. I will be praying for all of your family members. Love you and Amy.

  4. I’m heartbroken for you all. You are in my prayers and as I pray for your comfort, I praise God for Charles’ faith! You will see him again. Glory to God for His unspeakable gift!!

  5. Scott I am so sorry for the loss of your brother your dear friend. Please know people love you . It has been said time heals . But as Christians we know God heals.

  6. Thank you to each and every one of you for your kind and caring words. Your faith is reassuring. My prayer and aim is that others can learn through my family and our experiences – our weaknesses and strengths – as we go through this all too common scenario of cancer and death.

  7. I didn’t know Charles. But I am thankful that he was your brother. God is good all the time . I believe he will bless our churches if we obey him and work for Him in the kingdom of God. Getting ready to worship with my church soon. Please keep praying for our church that we continue to be strong in the Lord. Sincerely, Clint Gee

  8. Pingback: Thank You | The Morning Drive

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s